I like games

I really like games, all sorts of games. Boardgames, card games, wargames, roleplaying games, video games, and on and on. Now I may be particular to the kind of each of these games I like, to certain systems for certain genres, certain VG design companies, but I really do like games.

In my opinion, even a day spent playing a game I dislike is still time better spent than a day at my job. Unfortunately playing games doesn’t pay me. Just like an artist can’t eat exposure neither can I fill my belly with contentment.

So I trade my time at work for goods and services that are either necessary or allow me to enjoy life. The whole time just trudging through it to get to the good stuff, to live long enough to retire.

My workplace changed ownership recently. The new owners are very excited…very, excited. They expect everyone to be excited about working there also. I’m not. Not at all. The concept that I can be as good at my job as I am and not be excited about it blows their minds. The new owners left the old managers in charge still. The old managers never had a clue (or so they say) that I didn’t like/want/was not excited by my job. The concept that I am just there for a paycheck seems to be suddenly baffling everyone. This baffles me as I was under the impression that MOST Americans only went to work to make money. So now people I have worked with for almost two decades of my life are alien to me (and I to them I am sure). Sum of this? Adam feels more like an outsider than ever.

BUT. I still like games. Currently, I am into Frostgrave and Savage Worlds (by the way, check out their latest Kickstarter RIFTS ), and D&D .

Do you like games? Are you excited by your job?

Why bother

Warning: venting ahead

couchofeggs

I could use some help with this if anyone reading has any ideas.

Every time I start my day off thinking of things that I would enjoy doing, I get to the evening of it not having done them. Why? Because somewhere along the way something or someone has made me feel if there is no point to doing what I have been thinking of. “Its been done before” or “there is already a similar thing in existence”  or statement of the same kind. Even though it is something that I would find enjoyable simply in the doing. Something that doesn’t need a point, or shouldn’t.

For some reason, my head tells me that if there is no purpose to what I am creating I shouldn’t do it. Even if I really want to I can’t physically make myself do it. Then my mind gets locked in a silent struggle over this, grinds on itself until it seizes up. This gives me an actual, physical, headache.

I know I should be able to just make something because I want to. For the joy of simply doing it. I want that joy… but I can’t have it. Am I too high strung? is this an advancing of my anxiety issues? All I can feel is sadness, longing, and repression, I don’t want to feel that way but I do.  Try to create, trip over my brain, stumble, argue with self, get a  headache, get angry, depressed, and neurotic all at once. TADA!  Something is seriously bothering me and I can’t figure out what it is. Like I am incapable of enjoying shit anymore.

For example, the act of drawing a dungeon or town or some such on graph paper(roleplaying game things) is, in itself, a calming meditative act. However, since I am not currently running a game that would make use of such a map it would have no purpose so I can’t seem to make myself do it. Or, for another example, I want to make an urban fantasy setting for D&D 5th. Why? because it could be fun to make. Then brain goes..but you would never have a chance to play it. nobody would see it but you, so why bother? and the above scenario plays out in my head again. I should write a modern day sword and sorcery story, that sounds neat. you’re not a writer, you have no time for this, someone else has already done it better than you ever could hope to.

Some of this is self -doubt, I get that part and can reign it in. I can’t seem to get a grip on the “relax and do it” part. To just create for your own joy is the way to be, I know this but damned if I can. It kills me because maybe I do have good stuff locked away in there, maybe stuff people would like to see. I am sure there is a bunch of garbage too, but to get through the garbage you have to get it out first…and I can’t let the garbage out I guess. I can’t let the garbage out because I am afraid of being judged for everything I write, make, or do. I wasn’t always this way.

Having a particularly bad day today, thanks for wasting your time reading this.

 

The week that that was.

So a week has happened to me. Nothing much has been accomplished due to tiredness, a little depression, some of my time being wasted, and stress from the unknown.

My father rented his house. He asked for first month and security. Security has to be held in a separate account so he asked for two separate checks. The Security deposit check bounced resulting in an NSF fee. He had already let them move in. Weeks later and numerous attempts by my father to solve this I finally got a hold of one of the couple. He promised to make it right by yesterday. He no showed up… So now it is on to a notice to vacate.

My son is Autistic, so after years of dealing with it on our own we decided to file for SSI (social security supplemental income) I had my appointment on June second. We called this month (October) to see what our status was, whether we had been approved or not. Found out we had been approved in august…just nobody had bothered to tell us or to give us any funds. To get it started someone was supposed to call me back on Tuesday, they didn’t so at the end of their business day I called them, left a message. No call back by the same time Wednesday, call left message. No call same time Thursday, call left message. Friday we receive a letter saying we had been approved, to keep reporting my wages, and we have a new contact. So I call new contact…and leave message. Pffffwahhhh!