Why bother

Warning: venting ahead

couchofeggs

I could use some help with this if anyone reading has any ideas.

Every time I start my day off thinking of things that I would enjoy doing, I get to the evening of it not having done them. Why? Because somewhere along the way something or someone has made me feel if there is no point to doing what I have been thinking of. “Its been done before” or “there is already a similar thing in existence”  or statement of the same kind. Even though it is something that I would find enjoyable simply in the doing. Something that doesn’t need a point, or shouldn’t.

For some reason, my head tells me that if there is no purpose to what I am creating I shouldn’t do it. Even if I really want to I can’t physically make myself do it. Then my mind gets locked in a silent struggle over this, grinds on itself until it seizes up. This gives me an actual, physical, headache.

I know I should be able to just make something because I want to. For the joy of simply doing it. I want that joy… but I can’t have it. Am I too high strung? is this an advancing of my anxiety issues? All I can feel is sadness, longing, and repression, I don’t want to feel that way but I do.  Try to create, trip over my brain, stumble, argue with self, get a  headache, get angry, depressed, and neurotic all at once. TADA!  Something is seriously bothering me and I can’t figure out what it is. Like I am incapable of enjoying shit anymore.

For example, the act of drawing a dungeon or town or some such on graph paper(roleplaying game things) is, in itself, a calming meditative act. However, since I am not currently running a game that would make use of such a map it would have no purpose so I can’t seem to make myself do it. Or, for another example, I want to make an urban fantasy setting for D&D 5th. Why? because it could be fun to make. Then brain goes..but you would never have a chance to play it. nobody would see it but you, so why bother? and the above scenario plays out in my head again. I should write a modern day sword and sorcery story, that sounds neat. you’re not a writer, you have no time for this, someone else has already done it better than you ever could hope to.

Some of this is self -doubt, I get that part and can reign it in. I can’t seem to get a grip on the “relax and do it” part. To just create for your own joy is the way to be, I know this but damned if I can. It kills me because maybe I do have good stuff locked away in there, maybe stuff people would like to see. I am sure there is a bunch of garbage too, but to get through the garbage you have to get it out first…and I can’t let the garbage out I guess. I can’t let the garbage out because I am afraid of being judged for everything I write, make, or do. I wasn’t always this way.

Having a particularly bad day today, thanks for wasting your time reading this.

 

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