Why bother

Warning: venting ahead

couchofeggs

I could use some help with this if anyone reading has any ideas.

Every time I start my day off thinking of things that I would enjoy doing, I get to the evening of it not having done them. Why? Because somewhere along the way something or someone has made me feel if there is no point to doing what I have been thinking of. “Its been done before” or “there is already a similar thing in existence”  or statement of the same kind. Even though it is something that I would find enjoyable simply in the doing. Something that doesn’t need a point, or shouldn’t.

For some reason, my head tells me that if there is no purpose to what I am creating I shouldn’t do it. Even if I really want to I can’t physically make myself do it. Then my mind gets locked in a silent struggle over this, grinds on itself until it seizes up. This gives me an actual, physical, headache.

I know I should be able to just make something because I want to. For the joy of simply doing it. I want that joy… but I can’t have it. Am I too high strung? is this an advancing of my anxiety issues? All I can feel is sadness, longing, and repression, I don’t want to feel that way but I do.  Try to create, trip over my brain, stumble, argue with self, get a  headache, get angry, depressed, and neurotic all at once. TADA!  Something is seriously bothering me and I can’t figure out what it is. Like I am incapable of enjoying shit anymore.

For example, the act of drawing a dungeon or town or some such on graph paper(roleplaying game things) is, in itself, a calming meditative act. However, since I am not currently running a game that would make use of such a map it would have no purpose so I can’t seem to make myself do it. Or, for another example, I want to make an urban fantasy setting for D&D 5th. Why? because it could be fun to make. Then brain goes..but you would never have a chance to play it. nobody would see it but you, so why bother? and the above scenario plays out in my head again. I should write a modern day sword and sorcery story, that sounds neat. you’re not a writer, you have no time for this, someone else has already done it better than you ever could hope to.

Some of this is self -doubt, I get that part and can reign it in. I can’t seem to get a grip on the “relax and do it” part. To just create for your own joy is the way to be, I know this but damned if I can. It kills me because maybe I do have good stuff locked away in there, maybe stuff people would like to see. I am sure there is a bunch of garbage too, but to get through the garbage you have to get it out first…and I can’t let the garbage out I guess. I can’t let the garbage out because I am afraid of being judged for everything I write, make, or do. I wasn’t always this way.

Having a particularly bad day today, thanks for wasting your time reading this.

 

Reading

So I started a reading challenge this year, to read twenty four books. I am on Goodreads..check me out if you want. https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/5629521-adam-weber

Before I positive, lemme negative. Didn’t sleep well last night, mortality anxiety kept me awake. What else can I call it, sounds good. That started earlier yesterday at work, I saw a picture of an elephant standing in front of Mount Kilimanjaro and wondered if that elephant was still alive, if he had been ivory poached, or if he had died of old age. This made me think of  the old Babar books I read as a kid and how long ago it was that I sat and read them. Then my mind went to how when I die my memories of that and everything else will not be remembered anymore. This sort of inevitability thinking happens a lot and always leads to the onset of a panic attack. I fight it almost daily. So anyway, positivity below.

I started doing the reading challenge because I realized I don’t read anywhere near the same amount of books I used to. Also, while scraping off some of my mental stucco (as part of my construction), I realized I have let my learning stagnate. Worse than that, I have let it deteriorate. So, in addition to the reading challenge, I upped my vocabulary game by joining Dictionary.com’s word of the day. Further plans involve finding a quick math course and relearning algebra, geometry, etc.

One of the books I am reading for the challenge is Stephen King’s  On Writing. So far it (and my wife) has made me realize that my grammar is rough and I need to up mah game on it as well. He also points out in it that not adhering to strict or “proper” grammar rules can be part of writing, but I should know those rules better, eh?

So as I approach my fortieth anniversary, I choose to learn.

Tuesday….

But I am writing this on Wednesday. Yesterday I went to Half Price Books, Lowes, Petsmart, and Petco. At HPB I picked up some more reads and perused their RPG section and found nothing of interest. I know lots of gamers make great finds at their local HPB, but lately mine has been kind of sad in that regard.

Enough lamenting! Onward to my finds! I picked up;  Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by (Stieg Larsson) , The Whisperer in the Darkness (H.P. Lovecraft collected stories volume one) , and Hyperbole and a Half  (Allie Brosh).

I snagged Girl because my father gave me the sequel after he had finished with it (he didn’t have the first one any longer, I don’t remember  why at the moment). So buying that book gave me two to read.

The Whisperer in the Darkness I purchased because I had previously purchased Volume two and it’s Lovecraft, dur.

I have been a big fan of Allie Brosh and Hyperbole and a Half for years so when I saw the book I had to buy it and start reading it right away. So far, some of the stories I already have seen… but that doesn’t matter. They’re funny no matter how many times you read them. She has a knack for making you laugh in the face of some seriously dark subject matter, in fact if you suffer from depression I highly recommend this work. If you want to be more familiar with Allie and Hyperbole    http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ .

At the pet store I bought two glass cats and acquired a bunch of Malaysian Trumpet Snails, which the pet store regarded as nuisance snails. They would be a nuisance if they didn’t have value for the root systems of my aquarium plants.

At Lowes I bought a very frozen forty pound bag of topsoil and an eighty pound bag of driveway cement. Eighty pounds of cement mix is very heavy. Must have weighed damn near a hundred pounds.

That was my day yesterday. More excitement than usual because I am on Vacation from my job this week.

Currently reading;

  • The Man Who Loved Books too Much
  • The Horror in the Museum
  • Hyperbole and a Half
  • Who Could That Be at This Hour?