Tomorrow is my first day back from vacation, and I have a scheduled inventory (where I count all the shit in my department..good times). Had a hectic, but fun, week. Lots of things bought that make life easier/more interesting/tolerable.
I was inspired to start thinking about nostalgia recently. I can get myself some warm fuzzies for my elementary school days, up to fifth grade, but anything after that feels cold and flat. I have no romantic nostalgia for my teenage years, High School, or early twenties (some funny/sad stories here but nothing nostalgic). Everything from those periods feels like a lie, tainted, like I was a ghost drifting through life. Friends were just friends of convenience, hanging out with me simply because I was there. Why shouldn’t that be the case? I had nothing to offer in a friendship, there was always someone else in my circle of friends who was better than me at everything I did. That’s how I was made to feel by words and actions.
It is how I still feel, I have nothing to offer. I feel sometimes that I have become a pastiche of myself. Sad, cold, and lonely.
I am not down, or depressed, as I write this. I am a little angry at myself for wasting time (I have been angry at myself about this for fourteen years now) and a little wistful that I had some teenage nostalgia to fall back on.
I write this to see the words, to make it so I can’t avoid it. I publicize it so that it is real, so I have vented it outward…releasing this toxic feeling.