Winding down


Tomorrow is my first day back from vacation, and I have a scheduled inventory (where I count all the shit in my department..good times). Had a hectic, but fun, week. Lots of things bought that make life easier/more interesting/tolerable.

I was inspired to start thinking about nostalgia recently. I can get myself some warm fuzzies for my elementary school days, up to fifth grade, but anything after that feels cold and flat. I have no romantic nostalgia for my teenage years, High School, or early twenties (some funny/sad stories here but nothing nostalgic). Everything from those periods feels like a lie, tainted, like I was a ghost drifting through life. Friends were just friends of convenience, hanging out with me simply because I was there.  Why shouldn’t that be the case? I had nothing to offer in a friendship, there was always someone else in my circle of friends who was better than me at everything I did. That’s how I was made to feel by words and actions.

It is how I still feel, I have nothing to offer. I feel sometimes that I have become a pastiche of myself. Sad, cold, and lonely.

I am not down, or depressed, as I write this. I am a little angry at myself for wasting time (I have been angry at myself about this for fourteen years now) and a little wistful that I had some teenage nostalgia to fall back on.

I write this to see the words, to make it so I can’t avoid it. I publicize it so that it is real, so I have vented it outward…releasing this toxic feeling.

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2 responses to “Winding down

  1. There is a large part of me that wishes to tell you to get your head out of your ass, but I can’t. You see, I know all about not being a very good friend. You however do not fit this catagory. There are portions of my life that I wish I could relive. Adam, you know what demons I had to face and what I had to do to become the real me. It was hard and a true eye opener. But, the one fact that never strayed from my mind were the influences that held great importance in my life. You have been ,and always shall be, a great contributor to my thought process. Adam you are an extraodinary writer and human being. In this world of closed minded idiots, you are one of the brave individuals that dare to question. To say you have nothing to offer is an abomination and an insult. The stories that you have woven into my life have not only inspired my own creative energy ,but have spawned a rebirth in my viewing of the world. Adam, the memories I have of you have helped mold me into the person I am today. And God damnit! I like myself. I know that perhaps we are not where we saw ourselves years ago, but do not ever deny your influence on people and certainly dont cheapen your contribution to your friendships. Adam, you are inspiration and you are a teacher. I and so many others ,are honored that you are our friend. It is few and far between that we can say we were close friends with an individual that changed our lives for the better.

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  2. Took awhile to reply because I was waiting for my head to be righter. Thank you for the kind words, I am glad you got something from our friendship. I never saw myself anywhere years ago. I never had any sort of idea about what I wanted, still don’t, still looking.

    I was/am sorting people out. I was there for many people, rooting for them, promoting them, loaning money to them. Simply being ready to be there for them in case of need. I did this for years.

    Except for a few cases (exclude yourself here, btw. your hunt for Monster High dolls on my behalf alone removes your name from this list) I have been given nothing but, at best, half-hearted consideration. At worst I have been called monstrous names by drunken asshats and left scrounging for food to feed my then young family.

    Things are better for me now, and getting stronger by the day. I did this, I carried my family to safer ground by callous and sweat. Everything I have I EARNED by myself.

    There are some who look askance at certain people in my life, like Scott Bruecker,
    but you know what? He was fucking THERE for me on more than one occasion (I will mention months of free room and board). Which is a whole lot more than I can say for some. So fuck them. I could really go on about this for awhile so if you ever want me to ask in chat.

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